Before I start,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NEEZAM AND ADRIAN! Hope you guys like the mini celebration we planned for you yesterday. May your wishes come true and all the best for your future endeavous! =D

This week had been a tiring week, I would say. Normally, just lessons in school, would be tired for me le. However, this week was much MUCH worst. Super sleepy! Didn't get a good rest since last week. Monday to Friday, school plus training. Saturday, training plus tuition, sleep, wake up, watch TV, eat and sleep again. Sunday, CSSP in the morning, come home do some things, evening go out. Night time, come back and slept. My weekend. Great huh?

This week. Monday, went to ShuQun Sec for an interview. I was suppose to leave class at 2pm for lunch, but didn't want to, so left at 2.30pm. Went home at only 5+pm. Night time, go out eat. Tuesday. Starting to feel sleepy already. After school, stay back for the CNY thingy till 5+pm. Reached home and had tuition. Extremely sleepy! Wednesday, worst day of the week! Morning, went to school for Campcraft Training from 8am to 9.30am. Thus, my E-Learning only started at 9.30am. Did until 12.30pm and was chase out of the Lab. Left EL and SS not done. Went to eat lunch, went back to school, change and went for NPAP training. NPAP is fun but tiring. Training till around 5.30pm due to lightning alert. Left HTA at 7+pm. Reached school at 7.35pm. Cool huh? Changed and went home. Reach home at 8+pm. Didn't study for Physics test the next day. Thursday. After school, Campcraft Training. Don't wanna talk about it! Friday (today), after school, eat, rehearse and went to change for NPAP training. When going back to school, I said "I think, when we reach school, we can go home already." And indeed, it really was. When we reach school, the talk ended. Haha. Asked Mr Wong about UOPA. We went YES! Haha. =) Went to eat with family. Was extremely happy at that point of time. Too many happy things. Haha!

Tomorrow, having Campcraft training plus rehearse. Tired!

Finally! Another week of Monday to Friday have past. Results for the tests taken last week were out. Out of 5 tests, 3 tests results were out. Not really happy with the result though. Got back EMath, Amath and Physics. Most disappointing result would definitely be AMath. Though I expect such a grade when I do the paper, but I know, I shouldn't be scoring such a grade. 22/40. Just a C5. Sigh! Scored an A1 for both Physics and EMath. However, for both papers, I did a/some careless mistake(s)! Despite checking. Sigh! EMath was 39/40 and Physics was 16.5/20.

This week was okay. Not much homeworks to be completed and tests to study for. There will be a Physics Test next Thursday (4th Feb) and also a History Test on the following Tuesday (9th Feb). Had training in the early morning of Wednesday. Yes, I was in school even before the teachers! Did Physical Training (2 rounds of Running plus 40 sets of 4 Jumping Jacks plus 2 whole stretch of Duck Walk) and went to do training. At the end of training, did 80 pumping and 20 crunches. Tiring but not as tired as Neezam. Went to change and assemble after that. Wobbly legs and climbed up to class. Training on Thursday during weekly training. Did a trail run of competition style. In the end, whole thing cock up. Also knew that Zong Huan's sister joined NPCC too. When going home, realised key not with us. Went to find teacher. Locked the door and went home. Friday training was cancelled. Still, even if there is training, I won't be able to make it. Spared from doing Physical Training??? NO! I wasn't, there was PE that day. Ran 2 rounds around the field. Though, I walked for less than half of the breatdh and then ran again. Early morning of Saturday (Today) woke up at 6am, and went to school for training once again. When daddy haven't even wake up to go to work, I left the house. Did Physical Training once again, ran first round, I already 3/4 dead le. Still run 1 more round. In the end, my gastric came back. How great! Left at 9am and rush home for tuition. Was damn sleepy!

Yesterday afternoon, went out with Kelvin KorKor, Ah yi, Mummy and KorKor. They came fetch me straight after school. Like what YiQun say, I very tua pai! Thats, the answer to why I rather chose to be with them instead of going for trainings! It's because, they always plan things when I am free. Then when I have something planned, they will never force me not to go when they wanted to plan something that day, they will postpone it FOR ME! Then just for this training, they want me to go training and cancel the promised outing? Does it make any sense? No right? Think about it, if you have already made your promise to someone to go out with them, then another person come and tell you that there is something on (not as important then the previous promise), which would you go? Yes, I know, I should go. Still, family is my top priority, if not for you, but for me. After family comes my studies, followed by social + NPCC as this 2 somehow are linked. Lastly, you know what. Of course, I would choose to go out with them la!

Went to eat lunch first. Next went to buy cookies. Went up to the carpark (4th storey) to put the things, and yes, climbed stairs again! Then go down, Ah Yi and Mummy queue up to buy Bak Kwa. Kelvin KorKor, KorKor and me went to walk down the stretch of road. Half-way through, want to rain already, so walked back. Back le, they still queuing. The three of us decided to go OG to walk. Haha! Reach le, don't know want walk at which floor. Walk 2  to 3 rounds, they still haven't come. Decided to call them. Then back to carpark (climb stairs again). Put things in car and went to eat dinner at 5+pm. Ate le, walk back to carpark for the last time. Haha. Funny lor. Didn't know we buy so many things untill when we went into the car, we went 'WOW! How to sit??" HAHA! Didn't know because we buy things then go up put le. Haha.

My scheldule is packed for next week. How to study for tests and also to clean my room for Lunar New Year? Everyday, after school, sure of something on. Monday after school, having interview. Just because of this, I got to skip 30 mins of EL Structutred Lesson. Tuesday, don't think of structured lesson. However, thanks to Adrian, I got to stay back for some stuffs. Thanks ah, brother! Have tuition at 7pm. Wednesday afternoon, have NPAP training. Thursday, weekly training. Friday, NPAP training, okay, most probably will be Campcraft training. Monday to Friday schedule, do I even have to study for my test that I will be taking on Thursday? Saturday and Sunday, confirm will have something to do. How to study for History Test? I have to clean room somemore. Sigh! Can't possibly not go 1 of the trainings. NPAP is important. Campcraft, I captain, how to not go?

No matter what, I still have to balance between NPCC and studies. Few more weeks to go, and I won't have Campcraft Training le, not so busy le, I hope. Endure, Bear! Jiayous! You can do it!

I never felt like this before. I was never like this. Though, I know, I don't dare to go for npcc sometimes for some reasons. But it was never like now. Now, I really don't feel like committing le. I not sure why. Maybe it's really due to the 3 reasons bahx. Especially after what happened on Saturday, I really felt meaningless to go. I still don't get why I was so enthusiastic in the past 3 years but not now. Maybe the once burning passion in me had died. All I want now is Lunar New Year. I don't even want to study (Oh well, who wants?) Things had changed drastically. Sigh...

My studies, I got to say too. It hadn't been good. Well, it's becoming worst. Though, I pass all tests. But it was not of a satisfying result. I really got to say, I am not me anymore. Never am.

In just 3 weeks, there were 3 things to consider carefully and not only that. First was whether to continue with Biology or not. Second was to consider carefully if I want to join NPAP and Campcraft or to concentrate on my studies. Lastly it was whether to attend training on Friday or to go out with aunt, mum and cousin which I promised them le. There are things that happened and caused me to be worried. In just 3 weeks, all these happened. I told myself at the beginning of the year that nothing should not affect me this year. It still did. I really not sure how I am suppose to take the 'O' Levels this year. I have to idea how to. I have decided, if I want to continue to be in Campcraft, I will withdraw from the position of being the captain. I know what the reasons are.

I am not the Rebecca you and I once knew. Not the one with burning passion for npcc and not the one who is consistent in her work anymore. She has broke down and had changed. And had changed A LOT! Sigh!

I just feel like crying now. I can't take it anymore le! I am super stress about studies and definitely much more. I just read Jie's blog, hadn't been there for a long time. I know, I disappoint her once again. I failed as a sister, not only to her, but also to the rest of my Jies and Kors, including my biological brother. All I do, is make her angry, whenever she needs help, I am unable to help her. She sick, I also can't do much things for her. When she is breaking down, I am also not by her side. She helped me lots, always there helping me, encouraging me. Yet, this is how I repay her, making her angry time and again, failing her once and again. Jie, I know you are still angry, refuse to talk to me, I wanna let you know that I am sorry. Sorry doesn't cure, it also doesn't help you, but I don't know what to do le. I promise you that there won't be a next time le. If there is, I allow you to do whatever you want to me. Sorry JieJie. Please please, take care of yourself. Do not overstress yourself. No matter how sick you are, I won't leave you, I will always be by your side, suporting you.

Monday was the first day of school. Got our timetable. Tuesday, all our lessons seems to be like only 15 mins. Time really fly past that day. Went for Fancy Drill Training after that. Wednesday, same, time flies. Homework piling up, was already very sleepy and yet, I still continued to finish my work. Finished everything at 11+pm. Went to bed at 12am. Switched off the light and went to bed. At the same moment when I want to take my phone to put it beside me, my phone vibrated. What a nice timing! Slept at 12+am with my thoughts running wild. Thursday, time past rather slowly for some lessons. Oh well... Changed and went for CCA after lessons. Went for CCA leaders meeting. Discussed. Went home at around 6+pm, almost 7pm. Do homework, used the computer for awhile and slept at 10+pm. Friday, I seriously refused to get out of my comfy bed! I was really super duper sleepy. I slept when I was on the way to school in the bus and without knowing, I slept during silent reading. I didn't know I feel asleep, untill I woke up unkowingly as well! I didn't know I was that sleepy as I slept at 10+pm. The earliest time this week.

School ends at 12.30pm, off to Mac to have lunch cum discussion. Back to school. Saw Ashikin, Ain and Rashiqah, help the two of them with their Math. Wasn't of a great help though. :X Bus came, board the bus and off to Ngee Ann Polytechnic. Sat alone in bus, and all the nonsence thinking came in. Messaged KorKor, and they are there too. Haha. Didn't met them by any chance. Reached, they played a video clip and stuffs. The tour then started. Bla bla bla... 5+pm go home.

After what happened, I really can't take it le. I really breaking down le. Like what he told me, "people at first sight see you as a strong girl, but now lehx?" I may be a strong and quiet girl in the past, but that's not me anymore. I became very fragile now. Maybe due to tiredness or XXX XXX XXXXXXXX XX XX XXXXX or XXXXXX bahx. I really not sure. I just feel that I am back to the days of loneliness. (Okay, no wonder why I find this sentence familiar.) "Back to the days"

Looking at something just now and came across this. Tell - tale signs of depression : sadness or hopelessness/ thoughts of death or scicide/ irritability, anger, or hostility/ changes in eating and sleeping habits/ tearfulness or frequent crying/ fatique or lack of energy/ withdrawal from friends and family/ difficulty concentrating/ loss of interest in activities. Out of 9, I have 8 of them! I am not lying, but I really experience 8 of the above. Sigh~